Dear Anorexia,
Anorexia, I so vividly remember the intimate time I shared with you. As an outlet for concealing my inadequacies, I embraced to your ways. You became my new best friend, helping me control my life when I could not live up to expectations.
Anorexia, when I did not know how to fit into my own skin anymore, you appeared. Through your eyes, I was convinced “thin” opened the door to success, confidence, intelligence, and happiness as a person. The body I once considered a gift from God you labeled as a tragic flaw, with fat defining my character as weak and shallow and the size of my waist a measurement of identity and purpose. Oh, anorexia…what lies you coaxed me into believing.
Anorexia, you filled my need to be someone, prove something, and take control of the life I deserved to have. You convinced me to starve myself and in return allowed me be thin. However, “thin” came at a high price. For Anorexia, you were never satisfied with my efforts. Each day I strived for control yet each day it slipped one step out of reach. I wish I would have known at our first meeting that I was only headed for disappointment: anger towards beloved family, depression, fear of social situations, missed friendships, sleepless nights, inability to study, and lack of energy to workout. The physical shivering that took over my body at such a low weight represented the cold person I was becoming inside. Anorexia, your world is miserable. You gave me control over my life at the cost of my soul.
Anorexia, you became a person to me. Instead of investing in people, I invested in you. I learned your ways and habits in hopes of becoming your intimate friend. However, as the days passed my body began to scream for a way out. I longed for permission to eat, to be free in my mind - Yet I had no control- no mental or physical strength left to pursue healing. It seemed like too much effort!
Yet anorexia, all the needs I tried to fill in you only find satisfaction in the arms of my heavenly Father. When I was at my weakest, not capable of putting any energy into fighting you, grace appeared. Grace slowly crumbled the tempting situations that fooled me into thinking “I must be more”. Grace allowed me to step back, away from performing, accomplishing, involving myself, seeking, and looking for success, and just REST in the stillness of God’s quiet voice. In my inability to fight for my own livelihood, freedom came. Slowly, one bite at a time I heard – “it’s ok to eat”. I received FREEDOM…VALIDATION to just be. Freedom to separate myself from my accomplishments and my progress as a person and love myself simply for whom God created me to be. I am now NO FRIEND to Anorexia. I am a freed child of God. Praise the Lord!
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2 comments:
this is powerful! what a wonderful testimony of God's grace and freedom :)
What a beautiful reminder of the truth. It is amazing what we come to believe about ourselves, sometimes as a result of well-meaning people in our lives. As I hold my baby daughter in my lap while typing this, I can think of so many wonderful things I want her to believe about herself and her worth; and how important it is to pray these truths for our daughters (friends, sisters, selves).
On another note, the neatest thing happened today. I was on the treadmill with my ipod for the first time- fully loaded with fantastic worship songs. What could have easily been a "when will I ever fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes again?" experience was instead an amazing and worshipful time with God. I had it on shuffle and 2 songs played in a row- one about being fearfully, wonderfully made (!) and the next about God loving me just as I am. Wow! Truth is amazingly freeing!!! What an amazing and caring God we have!! Load those ipods with God's beautiful truths, ladies! :)
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